This little expression was used very frequently by several of my elementary school teachers. Along with MYOB (mind your own business) and XYZPDQ (Examine Your Zipper, Pretty Darn Quick).
It came to mind today as I was thinking about how judgmental I tend to be. I often see people and think things that I should just not bother with. For example, if I see a little munchkin out after dark, I don't think "awe what a cute family," instead "shouldn't s/he be in bed by now." Or instead of thinking "good for that lady out running," I think "she'd better run a little faster or a little longer." Sometimes I even take myself by surprise at how vicious I can be to the unsuspecting and unknowing passerby. And so sometimes I think that I should just look with my eyes and not let my mind say anything.
Today, a few of my mommy friends and I took our little ones to the pool (because it is HOT when it's 80-90 w/ 70% humidity and NO AC). And I watched the other mommies with their little ones. I feel as though I'm always the screeching banshee with Andy. I feel like others must think that all I do is yell at him and tell him what he can't do, rather than offer him positive reinforcement for what he does well. It was interesting to watch the other mommies interact with their little ones. The patience and calmness with which they handle their children gave me cause to just observe for a while. It was truly a lesson.
Perhaps if I were calmer, less of a yeller, and just generally nicer then maybe the good mojo would be reciprocated by Andy. I'm not saying he's not a good little boy, because he really is. Compared to some (there I go being judgmental again, but oh well---that's the whole point of this, I'm working on it), he really is a great kid. But the shrieking and screaming lately makes me wonder if it really is just his lack of verbal skills that cause frustration or if he's mimicking my behavior, which is to yell at him.
As one of my friends mentioned, she's very calm b/c her little girl feeds off of her. If the mommy yells then the little girl doesn't respond well. Hmm...I knew this already about kids in general. I learned this as a camp counselor when I was a teen, I saw it as a substitute now that I'm an adult. I just wish I could internalize it enough to be able to utilize it with my own children.
So anyway, I guess what I'm getting at is that sometimes, I realize that really I just ought to watch others and learn. And another adage comes to mind, if you haven't anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. If Andy isn't really doing anything wrong (just ---slightly, ok, really-- annoying), then let it go. Just let it go. Just let it go. And focus more on the things that he's doing well. Compliment and praise him rather than only respond to the things he does wrong. Perhaps that's why there are so many adages along these line---it's easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar; live and let live; pick your battles, choose with hill you want to die on...If there weren't some truth to these, we wouldn't still be saying them.
If I focus more on what he does right, then maybe just maybe, I'd see that desirable behavior more often. I don't need to offer a reward (an extrinsic motivator) but perhaps the praise will be enough create an intrinsic desire to continue that good behavior.
So I'm setting this experiment for the next week:
1. When Andy does something good or right, offer verbal praise, a hug, and/or kiss. Make a conscientious effort on this, don't miss any opportunities to praise.
2. If Andy does something annoying, either let it go or try to find something positive to redirect his attention.
3. And if he does do something naughty, CALMLY reprimand and correct him (either w/ a verbal reprimand, a time out, or removal of the stimulus).
Hopefully, by the end of this 7 day trial, I will not have had to spank him at all. I will feel calmer. I will have a better behaved child. I will have looked with my eyes and not always with my mouth. And most importantly, I will have a happier and calmer son.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Look with your eyes not with your mouth
Posted by Maria at 10:04 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
What an honest and insightful reflection -- congrats on recognizing that "there may be another way".... and lots of good luck!
When you were very little, I quickly realized that you were a new person with your own ideas about life. That's why Daddy and I called you "Little Person" almost from the get-go.
I always felt that my role was to keep you safe as you found our own way... that's why I was what you might term "permissive."
I was one of those Moms who had to ask four or five times to get cooperation, but I figured that you would "get it" in the end. You did.
I battle with this every day. I except a lot from myself and do the same with others -- my loved ones especially. Tomas says that when I'm disappointed, a certain look is displayed on my face and makes him (and I'm sure, others) feel terrible. I didn't know I did that and felt horrible when he told me.
As long as we're concious about what we're doing, we're moving in the right direction. I wish you the best of luck but am sure you'll do great without it. ;)
____________________
BTW, you've never come across as a screaming banshee in my eyes. I think you're doing swell and admire the way you handle both boys.
Okay. Like seven years later... I had a typo. I meant expect. Not except.
See how sick I am? A week and a half later and I correct it. Is there hope? haha
Post a Comment